Aita for taking the cake i baked for my fiance

Here are the best aita for taking the cake i baked for my fiance articles edited and compiled by takeoutfood.best

A reader writes:

I’ve been working fully remote for a large company since 2020, and work IM’s have become the new normal.

I took a new position in April 2021 and a previous female coworker began directly reporting to me. She accepted a new position on another team in July. Once she accepted the new position, we started to tell each other how much we enjoyed working with each other, and how much we’d miss it. She sent me pictures from her birthday weekend, with her girlfriends, to which my response was “wow” to each photo. Once officially in her new position, she changed her tone to much more casual and using extra vowels in her morning greetings (Heyyyyyyyyyy, Hiiiii, goooooooood morning). We started chatting daily, sometimes over 50 messages in an exchange. I’m married, she’s single.

She told me about her parents, grandparents, and siblings. We talk about work situations and colleagues and about what our vacation plans are. She has sometimes logged in while having time off to say hey and send pictures from the trips she was on. I talk mostly about my childhood, and will tell her a small amount about my family (kids/wife). She’s asked for phone calls when she’s having a rough day in her new role, and I was able to rebuild her confidence. I am always positive and give lots of compliments about her at work. We went hybrid and we did meet in her office once to catch up and another day had lunch together. I felt this was a friendly coworker situation.

My wife got an uneasy feeling after hearing one of our video meetings and looked at our chat history on my computer. She accused me of flirting and being too emotionally intimate and available for this person and said the relationship seems inappropriate. She also said the coworker was sending me pictures which, while not naked or overly sexual, seemed out of line, especially with me responding with “wow” to her in a tight dress.

On another occasion when my coworker mentioned struggling to maintain her weight before her trip due to the amount of cake in her house, I told her that I was being mindful on my end to watch what I say but she would be just fine for her upcoming beach trip. I’m black, and I also said, “This is going to sound like something it’s not, but I’m telling you if you can manage to take it black, you’ll be better off” when she said her coffee didn’t have enough creamer. My wife felt that saying has a sexual meaning and was not appropriate.

I have also told my coworker about some of the gestures I do for my wife, and she told me that she would like her future husband to get marriage pro tips from me. I’ve called her good morning messages the highlight of my day, I’ve referred to her as my lucky charm, and she’s let me know that I’m a phenomenal cheerleader for her. I did these things thinking I was being a great coworker and friend and wasn’t crossing any boundaries, but my wife doesn’t see it that way.

My wife does not work in a corporate office so I’m thinking maybe she just doesn’t understand the new intimate relationships coworkers have, or am I just trying to get convince myself that I was not over the line? Were my actions that of a healthy coworker or did I cross a line?

Noooo, your wife understands just fine! You don’t need to work in a corporate office to recognize that lines are being crossed here — and you have indeed crossed the line.

This is not about new intimate relationships that coworkers have now! (That is … not really a thing?) This is about carrying on a flirtation with a coworker, and it sounds like an emotional affair as well.

You’re using sexual innuendo! By your own admission you knew how that coffee remark would come across. And you’re responding “wow” to photos of her. That’s inappropriate, full stop. (Truly, “wow”? Would you ever respond to photos of a male coworker that way, assuming you weren’t trying to hit on him?) It’s flirtatious banter at a minimum, and most women would take it as signaling an openness to more. Your wife clearly took it that way, and it’s highly likely that your coworker has too.

I don’t think you can be truly oblivious to the way all of this reads. Just the level of detail that you’ve included here says the relationship, and this person, are taking up an enormous amount of space in your brain — you’re remarking on how many vowels she’s using in her greetings!

You’ve painted the situation as “work relationships are just like this now,” but they’re not. Do you have any other work relationships like this? I’m guessing the answer is no; it’s just her. And what you’re describing, with this level of intimacy, is an emotional affair.

To be clear, it’s not that men and women can’t be friends. Of course they can! But that’s not what this is. The sexual innuendo and admiring comments about her physical attractiveness have made it something else. As an experiment, I tried reading your letter without those details and that would change things — without those details this could indeed be just a close work friendship. Even then, I’d suggest you look at the amount of emotional energy you were investing in the relationship just to make sure (and perhaps have a look at stuff on emotional affairs as a reality check). But once those pieces are there, they really do color the entire relationship in a way that makes it impossible to read it differently.

In fact, here’s a good test: would you have shown your wife all those messages on your own and felt there was nothing there she might object to? Or did you know she would be uncomfortable if she saw them?

I’m not saying that “my spouse would be uncomfortable with this” is always a good measure of whether something is wrong; there are overly controlling spouses out there. But the vast majority of spouses would be uncomfortable with what you’ve described; it doesn’t take an excessively controlling spouse to be bothered by what’s happened here.

You’re flirting and emotionally invested to an inappropriate degree. Your wife is not off-base.

Top 4 aita for taking the cake i baked for my fiance edited by Takeout Food

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